Quatre.

to this very day, I still wonder how things are gonna be;
how WE are gonna be if I didn't ask you the question that night, four months ago.
would we still belong together?
or would we end up differently?

been thinking about it for, I don't know, these past few sleepless nights.
what if I didn't ask you that night?
what if I let the opportunity slip away?
what if... well too many what-if(s) to be very honest.

I know I should keep my true thought locked up somewhere,
but I, once again, let myself filled my heart with these uncertain feelings,
and this piece of thought, that we might have grown apart in our own pathways.
(well, even just the thought itself scares the hell out of me..)

but somehow, my (naive) heart is now trying to convince myself that I did the right thing,
asked you the question about us,
about what we were that time.

I don't know where is life taking us,
and even if I didn't ask about it, I believe things would ended up like it should be,
like we have it right now.

to my dear man, happy quatre. X

Promise.

You promised me things, a lot.
You promised me that you can be trusted.
You promised me that you'll try your best to be honest all the time
You promised me that this time, I will see you as a guy I really deserve.

I appreciate it, I really do.
Because you showed me that you're willing to be a better person for me.
But somehow I feel bad at the same time.
Because I won't promise those things in return, my dear.
Because I'm afraid I couldn't keep them.
And in the end, those promises will only become bunch of empty words that might hurt you instead.

What I can promise you for now is time.
Time to get to know each other further and better.
So let's play this safe— slow and steady,
and most importantly, certain.

I know, we both might have promised 'forever' to our former loved ones,
and either way we have long forgotten about it, or we have simply given up on that overrated idea.
So let's not talk about 'forever'.
How about 'tomorrow' first?

Tomorrow, I'd love to read 'good morning' text from you when I wake up.
Tomorrow, I'd love to see a pair of your beautiful eyes, perfectly framed with those thick eyebrows.
Tomorrow, I'd love to see your radiant smile, hear your silly chuckles, and gasp to your lovely body scent.
Tomorrow, I'd love to give my hands to you, let them to be touched and caressed by you.
Tomorrow, I'd love to sit next to you, talk about stuffs, or just comfortably share silence together.
Because in the end, what we really have is tomorrow.

And tomorrow I will love you better, eventually.

Before Us

Hi there, love.

Came across this beautiful candid shot of you, taken few months ago before we started going out with each other. Revisited that day when you came in front of my house just to brought me a pack of Milo since I craved (and needed) one; and thank you, still.

It made me think, though, of how pleasant life has been since you're around. Made me even wonder, of how surprising you could fill myself in the right places from the very first encounter. We barely know each other before, yet look where we are now; me and you, trying to work things out together as a mutual bond between two individuals called relationship. It's rather funny and amazing when someone enters your life out of nowhere and suddenly means more, more than the things (or person) you could ever think of. That someone, somehow, means the entire world to you.

Right now, we may be thousands of miles apart (and too bad we couldn't spend time together on January 13th), but it's heartwarming to know that I'm still the first thing that came to your mind (LOL ofc I know this is one of your daily dose of flattery, but nonetheless, I grinned happily like a fool).

It has been officially a month of total happiness. Thank you, A :)
Here's to more joyful months and years together (hey! one can only hope, right?), cheers! Xx

P.S: I miss you quite terribly. Cannot wait to see you soon next week :-(

Yang Tersisihkan

Ternyata emang bener kata kakak angkatan tentang masa-masa skripsi :

 "Semuanya jadi sibuk sendiri, mikirin penelitiannya sendiri."

Yang dulunya kemana-mana bareng, sekarang bisa jadi nggak lagi bareng. Misal nih ya, yang ikutan proyek penelitian A, kumpulnya cuman sama temen proyek penelitian A, udah jarang lagi kumpul sama temen-temen yang lain. Demi masa depan yang lebih baik, tentu apa salahnya ikutan proyek bareng-bareng? Kan ikut proyek penelitian bareng justru lebih menguntungkan. Namun terkadang bagi teman yang nggak ikutan proyek penelitan bareng, rasa kangen suka tiba-tiba muncul gatau diri dalam benaknya. Kadang pula, rasa sedih juga ikutan menghampiri dikala temannya lebih sibuk dan lebih dekat dengan teman proyek penelitiannya yang lain, intensitas ketemu dan sekedar ngobrol ringan seperti dulu semakin jarang terlaksana. Dan perlahan namun pasti, dia semakin merasa tersisihkan.....

But still, teman yang tersisihkan ini hanya bisa bersyukur dan tetap berusaha suportif; terus mendoakan demi kelancaran penelitian teman-temannya, agar mereka mendapatkan hasil yang terbaik setelah kerja keras non-stop ngelab tiap harinya. Teman yang tersisihkan ini nggak mau jadi teman yang self-centered, yang justru malah menghalangi kesuksesan teman-temannya. Lagian, siapa sih yang nggak ikutan seneng dan bangga kalo teman terdekat bisa sukses? Because that's what true friends are for, they will always be happy for each others' happiness, and no matter what, they will always push you towards the great possibilities of your future.

“Best friends are formed by time.
Everyone is someone's friend, even when they think they are all alone.
If the friendship is not working, your heart will know. It's when you start being less than perfectly honest and perfectly earnest in your dealings. And it's when the things you do together no longer feel right.
However, sometimes it takes more effort to make it work after all.
Stick around long enough to become someone's best friend.” 

― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration, 2010

A Recent Meetup.

Beberapa hari yang lalu saya bertemu dengan 'seseorang' yang sudah berbulan-bulan (atau mungkin sudah setahun ya?) tidak pernah saling bertemu. Seingat saya, kontak terakhir kami adalah sewaktu 'orang' itu mengirimkan ucapan selamat ulang tahun ke saya bulan April lalu via email (iya, beneran via email --"). Kebetulan 'orang' itu baru aja lulus kuliah dan mau wisuda. But somehow, saya sedikit ragu untuk datang dan bertemu dengan 'orang' itu. "Kenapa sih dateng ke acara wisuda aja kok ragu?". Well, bukan apa-apa sih, karena ada banyak pertimbangan yang harus dipikir matang-matang seperti:

• Pertama, kami sudah jarang (bahkan bisa dibilang tidak pernah) berkontak ria lagi.
• Kedua, banyak teman-teman terdekatnya yang datang ke acara wisuda, dan sayangnya saya juga ngga kenal dekat sama temen-temennya itu. Well, pasti bakalan awkward banget dan bakalan jadi bahan ciye-ciyean, karena...
• Ketiga, 'orang' yang mau diwisuda itu mantan pacar saya.

Nah, bingung kan? Jelas ragu kan mau datang apa nggak?

Sebenernya saya udah punya niatan mau ngucapin lewat sms, atau nitip salam ke salah satu temen saya biar nggak repot-repot dateng dan khawatir digojlokin sama temen-temennya, tapi saya tiba-tiba mikir: "Lah, dateng aja kenapa sih? Wong udah nggak ada apa-apa juga. Kan udah temenan biasa. Masa dateng dan ngasih ucapan selamat sebagai temen aja mesti mikir segitunya?". Intinya, saya cuma mau ngucapin selamat kelulusan ke 'orang' itu dengan itikad baik sebagai seorang teman. Lagian wisuda kuliah temen kan juga nggak terjadi setiap bulan atau setiap tahun, jadi apa salahnya datang langsung memberi ucapan selamat tulus? Betul, nggak? Siapa tau jadi barokah bisa ketularan cepet lulus juga *AAMIIN YA ALLAH*

Dan akhirnya, saya memutuskan untuk datang ke acara wisuda 'orang' itu setelah temen saya memberikan bujukan-bujukan maut agar saya mau datang. Fix lah, saya berangkat ke acara wisuda 'orang' itu bareng temen saya dan kebetulan juga ditebengi sama temennya.

Setelah muter-muter dan mbulet segala macem, akhirnya saya dan 'orang' itu bertemu. Saya inisiatif ngajak salaman duluan sembari ngucapin: "Selamat ya udah lulus", dan dia bilang singkat: "Makasih ya". Jujur ya, suasananya supeeeeeerrrrr awkward. Pertama, kami berdua bertemu tepat di depan HERO supermarket di sebuah mal. Kedua, temen-temennya pada ngeliatin dan ber-ehem-ehem ria. Alhasil, orang-orang yang lagi jalan di sekitar situ ikutan ngeliatin. Belum lagi ada temennya yang pake ngerekam kami berdua lagi salaman. Bayangkan, gimana awkward-nya suasana waktu itu. Even though I tried to be as calm as nothing happened, tetep aja rasanya malu gak karuan ┰┰

Sebenernya kalo boleh jujur, saya jadi agak menyesal datang ke acara wisuda 'orang' itu. Hal yang bikin saya menyesal adalah sikap beberapa temennya yang 'makes me feel a bit uneasy' dengan berbagai gojlokan dan guyonan (yang sebelumnya sudah saya khawatirkan bakalan terjadi, but unluckily it did really happen...). Karena hal itulah, saya justru merasa tidak nyaman; merasa tidak nyaman di tengah situasi yang sebenarnya sudah cukup awkward, maupun merasa tidak nyaman berada di dekat 'orang' tersebut. But it's okay, it was my own call to attend the event, and so be it! It only happened that day though, and (hopefully) I don't have to experienced those awkward moments again.

After I met him that day, I realized a thing: he didn't change much.

Yep, nothing's really change about him. I'm not talking about his looks; but his personality, his habits, the way he talks to me, even the way he handles situations, everything! There is not- even a tiny bit of difference, about those things. It's both good and unfortunate at some points. I though he would change after we haven't met each other for quite a long time. Well, maybe he also thought the same towards me too. Maybe we just never change. Maybe this is just the way we are.

Maybe because... we were like strangers who knew each other very well.

We never change, do we? No, no,
We never learned to leave.

(Coldplay - We Never Change, 2000)